I’m in Arizona, at Skooliepalooza, re-reading How To Heal Your Life by Louise Hay. I’ve read this book a thousand times but each time I come back to it, it’s a little different because I’m a little different… And every time, it helps me shed a layer that brings me a little closer to me.
They say that we earn those layers, or how to be adults, by the reactions that we received as children. And that part of our “work” here is unlearning the lessons taught to us by people who hadn’t yet healed themselves.
My mother was an amazing woman. She was so smart and so funny and she instilled in me a want to always be growing, which is my favorite part about who I am. She was also the daughter to parents who were immigrants, (one of them), alcoholics (maybe both of them) and not so forthcoming on the whole “I love you” thing. It’s not surprising that she didn’t like saying it to me. I can see now that it was her own childhood that would tell me I was “too sensitive” when she thought I was being “too nice” to people. But damn if being pushed away when you reach for a hug doesn’t shape a girl.
Now while she might not have been the softest of matriarchs, I can never take away how supportive she was. From the time I was little, she told me I could do anything and that I SHOULD try everything. She never let me believe I wasn’t talented or intelligent or that I wasn’t completely capable of whatever I set my mind to. It was the, “She thinks she’s cute.” and the “Who does she think she is?” , that I would hear from classmates as a child, that even now at 39 years old still rings in my head when I achieve something and don’t share it with my friends. Or when I think about reaching for a goal but then sit my “too cute” ass back down and talk myself out of it.
I have an ex that reads this blog. He sends me condescending messages on here, marked anonymous, and I’ll give it to him that the last one stumped me for a minute. In it, he wished me “well” on whatever I was constantly searching for in my life. His hope for me was that I finally find peace at the end of it. His words made me sad… What a sad belief he holds, not just for me but for himself. And it made me wonder how many other people drink that Kool-Aid? Because here is my truth. “Not all those who wander are lost” –J. R. R. Tolkien. To believe that you have nothing to heal, that will aid in the evolution of your own life, is absurd. To think that by looking for ways to grow you are also admitting that there is something wrong with you now is ridiculous. You can be standing in peace and enjoying it so fully that you feverishly crave more. When you start to find your own lane becoming more authentic becomes a passion. Those of us who yearn for more wander not because we’re lost. We wander because new roads shed old layers honey and we like what’s waiting underneath.
2020 for me is about shedding. Being more sensitive, or “too nice” makes me a better wife, friend, teacher… It means my internal voice is kinder and my soul feels good. What if I am “too cute”?! I want to stop playing small and wondering if my peers will say to each other “Who does she think she is?” In 2020 I’m answering!!l Let me introduce myself to you! My name is Iana Sundari Leufray. (Did I mention I got married last weekend?!) I want to see exactly who I am and what I can do! Imagine what I could create with a little less fear?
What’s 2020 for you? What are the reactions of your past that are shaping your future? What can YOU shed?
Keep Wandering Y’all. Keep searching. New roads baby. There’s layers to this thing…
First of all….CONGRATULATIONS!!!! And welcome to the wives club. Lol.
I really love the theme of “shedding” for 2020. I too have things that I need to remove from my spirit and my way of thinking to be the person that God ordained me to be. The quote really resonated with me because I felt like I was hiding the fact that I was seeking change and new avenues from friends and family in an effort not to be judged for being lost.
My plight is the opposite of yours. While my mother has NEVER made me feel like this, I always leaned toward I’m “not cute enough”. I’ve had relationships where I tried so hard to please because I felt lucky to be liked. I would often get the back handed compliment “You’re really cute for a dark skinned girl” but that cute was always made to seem like it couldn’t compare. This on top of various other insecurities had me living a life of servitude to a number of idiotic men and friends. Then I met my husband (again lol) and that all changed. I’ve been on the greatest journey of my life with him for the past 7 years.
I say all this too say, if I was ever one of those people who made you feel a way or who said things that replay in your head, from the very bottom of my heart, I am sorry. Hurt people hurt people so my words were coming from that place. I truly take pleasure in your vlog, your posts, and your adventures. I love being “a part” of your journey.
Stay blessed and divinely favored my love.
Hope to see you soon.
I read this a month ago. And cried somewhere in the desert and then didn’t reply by accident. Thank you for this. And please know my sweet friend, if I was ever a cause of hurt to YOU, I’m so sorry. I love you girl.